Much like I 'found myself' in the years after high school, I feel like I'm finally settling into who I am as apparent and, dare I say, as an adult. And yes, I am forty years old, married, have kids and own a house yet am only just now getting used to being an adult. So, like in those years after high school when I realized I was a coffee shop loving bookish writer and not a sorority girl, I'm finally getting it. I'm a bit late, but I'm here. Sort of.
All that said, there is a pang of jealousy at realizing I don't really belong. The platoons of expensive stroller pushing moms out for a morning walk/jog; the small cadres of hippy moms wearing their babies while their biggest kids play nearby in a park or playground; the hipster working moms or hippy stay at home moms at The Boy's preschool drop-off. I am at best invisible to most of them and, to the horror of my inner middle-schooler who wants to be liked by everyone, eyed suspiciously as 'other' by a depressing number of them. At first I thought it was because no one wants to hang out with the crippled mom, but now I'm pretty sure it's because I am now, and have always been, a dork.
And hey, if being a dork worked for me before it can work for me again.
Working on it.
Aw, I am sure you are not a dork! If it helps I feel that way too, often :)
ReplyDeleteI spent the 90's waving my dork flag high, but now I feel way too old to feel so awkward. I'm cool with it though ::she says a la Ducky in Pretty In Pink::
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